JanTheMan

SAT’s

I got a 1910. But now that I put it into perspective, that’s not so special. My math was great 760 (Honestly I hoped for an 800) Reading above average at 630 (Suprising) And an average writing score at 530 (Shocking, I thought I was getting in the 400’s). Turns out most competitive schools desire a 660 or higher in all 3, which is  balls because my writing flat out sucks. My mom want’s me to get some special scholarship but I need an SAT Score of 2250… Yeah Fuck That.

Paranoia.

These past two weeks you’ve been gone I’ve found myself worrying. Worrying that what if you don’t come back? I mean this in many ways. Part of it, what if you just don’t return to the states? That surly would be detrimental to me and everyone. I know you better than that, so it’s not so much of a worry. What I do worry about and I worry about it all the time, is what if you don’t come back to me?

I know I can trust you but reality is I can’t trust human nature. It was never specifically you that made me so paranoid/distrusting/unforgiving but it was society. The world has surrounded me with a negative aura when it comes to relationships. Divorce rates hover around 50% now-a-days and the probability that one will get cheated on or cheat on a relationship in their lifetime is unfortunately VERY high. This always bothered me, and it really sank in when I started going out with you. When I started to see stereotypical behavior from you I jumped to conclusions… Here I am again jumping to conclusions, why do I feel like you won’t return to me? Why do i feel like you went off to another world and found some marvelous boy you wish you could take home and replace me? I come to these conclusions because you’re not keeping much contact with me as though you’re purposely dodging me and like I said i’m paranoid because of society and human nature. Also quite frankly, I dont think I’m good enough. That’s a confidence issue for sure but that’s for another post really.

To be honest this feeling of you not coming back/leaving me has always been on me since fall of last year. Ironically though, the only time I felt like I knew you would come back is when you actually left… I felt like you were making a mistake, a mistake as big as the mistake I made of pushing you around. I’m very analytical and within a week after we broke up, I concluded that within time you would realize your mistake, because you’re a bright girl who get’s caught up in their emotions sometimes, I also knew that when you do realize your mistake you’ll feel really bad and you would want to rush back to me, But I also knew that you’d be cautious and hesitate in telling me you wanted me back in fear that i didn’t want you back and also because I’ve always told you to be cautious. The problem I had, was whether or not I wanted you back… And I severely did. (As you can see I go deep into situations when I analyze them, which also shows how deep my paranoia can run.) Even being confident you’d comeback wasn’t really that confident I knew there were variables in my analysis that I left out but still I was so happy knowing eventually you’d comeback that I didn’t care and I held on to my analysis as hope. So now why is that I can’t analyze a situation where the outcome is good? Why is it when we are together I only can come up with paranoid out comes? This is a severe case of the Cruz Complex(Mental disorder Adam and I made up) I guess.